Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
