non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
