Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish I only lived at night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Everyone says I win the strip club
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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