Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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