My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
