This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
