I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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