Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
