So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
