I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
