Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
