the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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