There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
