Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
