I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
