Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
