I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
