omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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