Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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