if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize