dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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