omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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