Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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