Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Of course I have a pirate flag
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
