I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
