He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
