I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
