the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
