Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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