I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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