there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
