I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
