We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
