This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize