the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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