If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
