Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
