If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
