theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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