I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
