I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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