she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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