btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
