He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize