Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
