Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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