the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
