I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
