why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
