I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We got so high we made milksteak
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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