Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
