There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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