If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
