I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
