I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
