hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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