I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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