Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
