I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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