Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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