At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
