then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
