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• (586): View more from Michigan

  Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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• (845): View more from New York

  The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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• (281): View more from Texas

  In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.

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• (813): View more from Florida

  For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

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• (760): View more from California

  So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

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• (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding

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• (207): View more from Maine

  RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR

  (207): View more from Maine

  THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.

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• (512): View more from Texas

  did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?

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• (819): View more from Quebec

  He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.

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