Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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